Process Log 10-28-16 preface to Episode 010
October 28
My point in channeling this post apocalyptic movie is, just like terrorist training films, to change people’s ideas about terror, apocalypse, and these words that are trained into us. Primarily to change my own ideas about them. Why am I so intent upon rewiring myself? right there is an indication that I am unsatisfied with my current configuration, that I want more. that I’m not enough.
the idea of being vulnerable, of showing myself, again, is that enough? i am yearning for results for the number of listeners to increase, not decrease. there’s the premise that is backwards, that the success of this project is about who is listening. that the project is about other poeple about conditions. I didn’t get enough time to work on that last spisode, so it was a little less slick than I like.
I have this agenda, not a desire because a desire takes care of itself – when we allow. when we let go and just feel good.
Let’s talk about feeling good. what are the components?
feeling good as a practice
free horizons of bliss, wide expectations about how excellent everything keeps getting
delicious physicality exploring it’s potential
health increasing
amazing food
beautiful women
clean house
organized life, responsibilities handled
work space clean and organized
resources maintained
martial arts, dance, music – demonstrations of fluid power
decent clothes warm and (not tattered)
loving tribe
pleasure of creation, (not obligation)
expansion of joy, of power, of resources
easy gifts showing up
financial abundance
dreams most obviously coming true
I have a choice. to reconfigure completely, to choose the most amazing life I can imagine at this moment or settle into frustration and angst. as I fly forward, there will come a day when my expectations flip, when I am mostly geeked about everything and maybe hardly at all feeling the old patterns of not enoughness. in the meantime, it’s a constant choice to be made. to feel and live my wildest dreams. to incarnate now as the stellar being, as the god walking in this glorious garden, as the full me which is so much more, way beyond words like god and stellar. What am I willing to do to really live? pay attention to the sweetness? imagine like never before and way way more? my imagination is the dynamo, is the driver of joy. i want to constantly be feeling the rapture of who I am, who I love being, rather than giving current conditions any notice. notice all around in this moment confirmation of my radiance, but not proof. I don’t need to seek proof, I am walking proof.
Mike is coming in one month. How cool, how wonderful would this feel to be caught up with the last 10 years by the time he arrives? and 4 more podcasts? Done.
What did I do right? Well, first and foremost, I stretched myself way beyond what I had ever tried. Think about this. Me, a wild force of nature, a divine creator, dropped into the best sandbox yet deployed in all the cosmos and then what? 43 years of waiting. Of hesitating. Of barely even scratching the surface of my power. Lots of Americans are dead by 60 or 70. Three quarters of my time on earth frittered away being almost happy. There’s the setup. Now I am finally beyond precedent. Making a movie, my movie, my script. Taking on way more than I could even hope to accomplish. Taking on the same amount of work that usually requires like 2-3 people, if not 10. Aside from Melonie running sound, I did it all. A 100 watt bulb burning at 240. Making up for lost time, supposedly lost time.
So what did I do right on location? I decided to get on location. I ramped up a situation for 6 months, then coerced, contrived and seduced a few people to come with me, I provided the best gear appropriate to my budget, amazing food, barely enough people to accomplish my dream, hired the best poeple I could find, trusted friends who agreed to go on this mad adventure. Perhaps we were all seeking to go beyond self limitation.
Just being there was a huge gift I gave myself. Was it hard work? Hell yes. To blow through the beliefs we have about ourselves… I was blowing through beliefs about myself I had reinforced for 4 decades and the ONLY way I knew how to do that was to rally and rally and rally. Sacred effort, back then. Change was only possible through effort, lots of effort. If I had been stuck all those years, the only way to get unstuck was to work harder than I ever had. To remember as I dragged myself out of bed at 4:00 am to prep for the day’s production, that this is the new me, that this was MY movie and everything I was doing was for a brighter and more delicious me. Nothing could stop me, all the obstacles would be overcome because I have decided.
That’s what I did right on location. First and foremost. I went there. Yes I was prepared logistically, prepared with an adequate crew, prepared with all the fundamentals to support life for said crew. However, what I was about to do was way beyond what I had ever imagined doing. This was to be the unprecdented act of my life.
[snip, epsiode 010]