I don’t like what I remember about last night. The ranting while drunk was fine, heck it was all fine. I just don’t like that I tried to get all intuitive with George, but he seems to accept that from me now. Who gives a fuck what anyones thinks of me. I am going to make it happen, I don’t want or need anyone’s permission to be the me.
Of course there’s another starving VFX guru living in Benzie who will work for $12 an hour, that’s the next logical step, and that Kaitlin can come to work today. I am not cynical, heavens no, I am just a bit nonplussed, which I think is allowed. Surprised and confused that I don’t know how to act. Am I feeling a little angry and if so about what? I am interested in MY project. I don’t want to do anyone else’s project. I don’t want to pretend I’d ever collaborate with George because like Winona, he’s not offering a collaboration but a stifled stuck sort of experience, be aggravated and sick. Be dragged down into a really ineffective world view. He is however a vehicle to new talent maybe. I just feel obligated to be sort of phony around him, some one other than who I am. It’s not him, it’s me fighting for my new perspective. Like Esther, I don’t ever want to leave the vortex, I am not coming out and bip, I’m out. That’s what this is about. Both Winona and George, and me negotiating for a little of what I want, rather than having what I want, allowing my expansion. Look out, get the fuck out of my way… but no one’s in my way. This is all just my own little tempest in a teapot. Am I keeping these friends because of compassion, or what? Am I serving old patterns by keeping them in my life? Feeling guilty about just surrounding myself with the peeps that enliven? Right now, I feel like I am keeping them because I want to prove that becoming who I am doesn’t mean I have to leave anyone behind. I like George and I like Winona, eventhough they both… what? Seemed to ask me to stifle my dreams, to doubt myself? How in heaven’s name do they do that? I think this is fascinating because clearly they represent some wierd paradigm I’ve gotta look at. This is super cool or it’s going to turn out to be super cool maybe. What do these characters show me? Both love me, clearly. Or want to love me. I tolerate them. With Mason, maybe George is finally paying off. I have been influenced by him, I have altered my perception of the world. So it’s not like the relationship has been totally devoid of benefit. If I had worked for him, I would have been pretty unhappy. I wanted a mentor to pat me on the back and love what I do. I knew George could never encourage me in the way I needed because (wait for it) no one can. That’s what George taught me. He helped me to finally cut loose from waiting for a creative parent who would say, son, we’re proud of you, You can do no wrong. We believe in your power, you’re clearly here on Earth to do the lord’s work, we can see an army of angels at your back and by your side. Here is the unconditional love you crave. ..
Man that’s amazing. I’ve been waiting for someone to give me permission to live – my whole life. On some level I am a little pissed to finally get that I am the only one who can give me permission. Wow. Angry that there isn’t a physical me to defer to? I certainly understand, feel my full self smiling right now. Ok, so I am the one, I am the focused and aware love of the entire cosmos, I am all the love and encouragement I could ever crave and the external isn’t relevant to feeling worthy. I am permission incarnate, my very existence is the entire game, I was looking for an invitation to play my own dang game. Ok, you’ve waited 52 years, go ahead and be yourself now. Who says that? Ha, I finally figured out that there isn’t anyone guarding the gates of Oz, I’ve been keep myself away from the buffet because I kept expecting someone to invite me to eat. The waters of eternal life are spread upon the Earth and man does not see it.
As soon as we don’t accept our inherent worthiness, we need to find worthiness elsewhere. Kaitlin said something of great value, “but I like hearing it from you.” I am the vehicle for some people, ok.
This is a great and epic game being set up.
That was then, you know? This is now. I guess I still want to ask this question – why did I think I needed someone’s blessing to live? Whether Swami or Master Ru, I kept hoping to find the authority who was in charge of me. This is beautiful really. OF COURSE it is. I mean, it’s beautiful to step completely out of that bind, that paradox and breathe. Phew! I mean, trying to argue myself out of a wet paper bag. The premise was completely ridiculous. Instead of mourning or even railing against a flawed premise, fo beyond the premise.
Look, this is all interesting in an angels on pin heads sort of way, but what’s up right now? Feeling terrific, that’s the order of the day. Anyone who wants to feel terrific can hang with me, anyone who persists in keeping thunderheads crashing everywhere they go, so long. Which brings me to the moment, I am getting all happy right now. That was some fabulous contrast, thank you. Maybe more to discover there at some later time. Right now? The Blissing of Dan Kelly.
all is well
look, ye beings. the wonder is apparent. Bob Stevenson texted me out of the depths. How obvious is that? Of course he did. This awakening, what’s the practice? happy, fun, delight – by choice