George Clooney Burgers by Billy Bee Baskins

Billy Bee stared at his Sole. The words were good, another iSchool essay getting off to a bang up beginning. His last ingest of Big Words had started kicking in. The mission objective of this ‘tribe was to raise the hackles on his swap mate at iSchool, Excelsior Christina, and maybe get her a bit slippery. Then who knew? He sure didn’t – but he aimed to find out.

As soon as growing tank beef became cost effective, Famous Feed opened it’s doors. The horror and shock expressed by the media golems only fueled sales and rapt public postings. The jist of the hum and buzz was this – Certainly, with a singularity just around the corner, we beings could release all the arbitrary little prohibitions of the mere human and really live. Famous Food was a daring artistic foray into destiny, a hilarious thumb in your eye to old think. Conforming to the norm had clearly lost it’s survival advantage what with endocrine whacking ubiquity and surburban desertification via clipped chem lawns – the inspiration for Famous Feeds “Hello BPA and Bye Bye Butterflies” smoothie, yum.

The origin myth of the George Cloony Burger and Famous Feeds started with socks. George Clooney threw down the gauntlet in 6 of 2013 by revealing that he only wore socks once and then gave them to charity – or at least he never officially denied the frenzy of copy cat web blasts, schlock video and actual paper based (!) celeb mags. [Refark Hollyscoops]

Clooney’s cool defiance of old think was initially dismissed as typical celebrity psychosis and even critiqued AS old think – a bad example for the masses on a planet supposedly running out of resources. Very few recognized George’s sock gambit for what it was – genomic open source-ery. Every CrimeX tracker knows that short of green maser disassembly, commercial laundry operations can’t remove all the genetic fragments that burrow into clothing. George was leveraging his debilitating phobia to distribute a celebrated genetic map to a ravaged planet – for free! Socks with intact Clooney DNA have been discovered in the Azores. So it was no surprise when George and Famous Feeds founder Philip Lips jointly announced in June of 2018 the first commercially available food product based on George himself. “Eat me!” quipped the 57 year old George, as he handed a patty of his char broiled flesh snuggled between two gluten free, non-GMO buns to an eager fan Carol Joyce Bertswag, who was randomly selected by cell lottery just moments before.

That’s why we can all enjoy George Clooney Burgers and how Famous Feeds dealt a decisive free market blow to the stodge-o-rama that almost sterilized mother Gaia!

Billy re-read his assigned diatribe, smirked and fired it off with an eye stroke. “That should stir the little vixen’s vittles”, he whispered. No sooner had he climbed into the luxo tub then his mirky chattered with an incoming. “Hello,” he intoned in the archaic lingo.

“You and what army, mister prickster? You propose to insult my clan’s profiteering with your smug Solings? You so don’t want to rile. My fathers could squash that mud sculptors enclave with half a moonwalk, you creepy cur.”

“Are you naked Chrissy? I am.”

“Gadzooks, I am only 12. Off limits, even for your tiny shriveled up jerky. Don’t you know the law?”

“Let thine own will be the whole of the law. Didn’t Uncle George say that?”

“Smuck and so on, you’re not even pre-man yet, what’s wrong with you?”

“I like you is all, it’s an emotional thing…”

“Take a pill, get real. What have you got for me? I do find you cute-ish in a stormy hormone ghoulish obsessive sort of way, but skin on skin, brrr!”

“So it’s a date?”

“I guess so. That was funny about the open sorcery.”

“Open saucery”

“Ciao, little brute.”

“Ciao, corazon.”

“Eat it.”

Click went the minkey as it degaussed. Billy lay back in the luxurious luxo suds, smiled dreamily and closed his eyes. “Christina,” he breathed.


The next day…




The minkey reported another incoming, the gentle purr of an official iSchool dwert. “Display,” mummered Billy. Text etched in the air before his slitted lids. “Billy Bee, run on sentences in diatribe of 20:11 02.15.21 meet aesthetic criteria. Voice synthesis module tangled and submitted for revisions, congratulations. Your diatribe has been added to official list of lottery entrants for premiere of ‘Garden Gnome’.

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