04-09-12 Overlords of Earth
Golly. My list of poeple to let go of? Spot on. Take Julie for example. I xarried a torch for her but she never ever made an investment in ne. My younger self was wise. I knew she wasnt interested. Visiting her at walnut in philly the enormous weight of the collapsed wave function, thats what drive me out into the night again. Sheer futility. What was i doing there when it was already over 10,000 lifetimes ago? Yes i loved her but for her i was never a real option. In this universe my kiss and words never registered, i couldn’t properly fuck her because she was never there. She shut me out tge second night so she could sleep for gods sake. How obvious was that? Three days after an eternity and she has to skip one, holy christ. Now she’s like a persistent ghost, haunting me. The story she tells herself, i shut her down, ended communication… i wonder why she needs that story? What myth is she serving? Young julie and young dan, if i could speak to them now, i would say… If u really love each other, act now for there will never be another chance. You both know and feel enough right now to decide. Is there enough to trust right now? If so then stand together and let no one break you. If not then accept each other as brother and sister forever.
Another life entirely.
The eeason she doesnt remember the kiss is because her idea of loving someone is very different from mine. I was never an option, regardless of what she felt. Feelings are not her primary guidance, there was always something else. She’d like to believe she was one way, but she not looking at who she actually is. Easier to believe a trite myth about how she is powered by love, deeply romantic being, connection first. But that’s me, not her. I expected her to feel like me, to have the same priorities that i never looked to see who sge actually was. I wanted her to fit my young paradigm. Could i have fully accepted what i loved?
What does it say when we love pain and heartbreak? The highest love is someone disinterested, distracted? Been there done that? I yearned for a woman my whole life who wouldn’t take a step toward me. I visited her, she never visited me. She never came to my house in NC yet how many times was i at hers? She asked me out to nrbq tho… a dabbling, a bit of curiousity, nothing more. She doesn’t remember the kiss. She wouldnt do the research with me. Too much work to invest in dan kelly. No time to fall in love.
Its a strange tale, a well of hurt that i dont have to do anything about. Just accept that it’s part of my terrain, a mystery. Have i done this to myself? Why does she continue to bother me? Whats the cosmic perspective?
There’s no action to take, just consciousness of a paradox.
ps look at the last 24 hours of text… Shes been trashed, just like yv. She’s been driven insane by stress and horror. I love him – then why isnt he takibg care of u?
Bah! Time to train.
When the most powerful women avidly seek thier own destruction. An insidious transmission from the overlords of earth?