We’ve got a socisl life, and to invite Lauren back in while i have such a huge unresolved project outstanding feels dangerous. It’s as if now that i potentially have momentum i am suddenly looking for ways to swerve and roll the vehicle. I don’t believe that i created the Luke episode as a form of self sabotage, but this aftermath is hugely threatening to my resolve and concentration. Think about how the Laura and Jon scenario crushed me. I honestly cannot think of how i could have handled that differently to preserve the friendship. Now that my bio family is imploding, shattering along unsuspected fault lines, can i afford to introduce more drama IF getting this project done is truly a priority? If living my life well is truly a priority?

Lauren text not sent

Hey, suddenly things on this end are a mess. Family trouble, been brewing for awhile. I really would love to get together but I’m in a tight spot.

Another not sent

If a few innocous texts could generate so much static, getting together is maybe not a good idea…

Yas indeedy!

And now (april 2) im glad to remove all messed up energy from my life. I’ve invested in and watched over the bear lake kellys. To have my motivations and rationality questioned is once more a patteen repeating. DOG seems to be a catalyzing force for the jettison of unproductive energy. Unappreciative people. Laura P made her choice and froze me out, if J and S decide to do the same there’s nothing i can do except visualize. It’s thier program and i can accept that to spend further energy trying to connect with them is not love but self hate. When i give and give beyond what can be utilized, recognized and reflected, i kill myself.

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