core / life master / 2008 / january / jan 3 (01/03/08)
cosmic perspective, where are you, my dear enemy? – story theory
It;s funny when I open this to write my
this is the year of symmetry for the expression Dan Kelly, pig to rat. Here I lie in the dark of my bed, not yet having shit or moved in a manner that persists in folly. The body is a tad sore which i like. Currently I hate questions, having to explain what I am about to the marginally curious. Why are you wearing this vest? I want to be sly and under the radar because either a) my explanations are never satisfactory to me or b) my explanations don’t do anything special for the recipients.What i am no longer doing is propagandizing the little darlings and somehow that seems dull, just information without any grand enthusiasm behind it. or story. what’s the story these days? an essential question. i am the aritst, maker of stories so i should have several zingers for myself. stripped of stories i am pure light, steady and invisible. the ultimate truth about me is that i am the cosmos and as such interpenetrating with stones and president bush. all one as reported on bronners soap. beyond stories. nothing much there to gossip about over tea, enlightenment is a club out of fashion with most humans, enlightenment is about having even more fun – otherwise what’s the point? Perhaps this trickster energy is yet another story another skin to peel off the onion. but when all the skins are peeled there is no more onion left, which is really the jist of it. keep peeling the skins back to find the core of the onion and the onion will disappear, the onion is it’s skins, and we are our stories. if my me isn’t quite up to snuff, it’s time for revisions, new stories. be the meta author and rewrite the whole shebang. my origins are fixed as facts supposedly, so i should be able to build an objective biography utilizing only facts. It’s interpretation of meaning and selection of one fact over another that shades into story, it’s the wishing and wanting that gives it color. perhaps.
so i was born. how many times have i started this? i was born and my first memory is of hearing jfk getting shot on the radio. it upset everyone, that’s how i account for having such an early memory. i would have been 6 months old. I am in the kitchen of our pound ridge house staring up at the ceiling. i hear the announcers voice – “the president john fitzgerald kennedy has been shot” my mom may have picked me up, possibly to comfort herself. so begins my record, steeped in americana and conspiracy. and so it goes, to quote kv.
it’s 6:40am now. I long to continue this, for it feels like answers are here. the comforting voice of knowing, of wisdom perhaps, unjudging, simple truth. this is what happened and why you are here. Alan Watts is helpful certainly, he enhances my core understanding, what i already get.
and what do we do once we get the nature of this existence. specifically, what if we find out it’s some kind of game or epic theater. that’s why artists are keen, they gravitate toward life practice that reflects the nature of reality. they are close to check out, acting is a spiritual birth. god doesn’t want to wake up, or else god is both awake and dreaming at the same time. we dream ourselves to life. so back to the question, what do we do when we find out? oh what’s the point and drop out, ok, i’m going to play even more passionately, the game is good just as it is and so i’ll remain the same.
what would i be without my insecurities? would i stay here on earth? would i be available to the ragtag tribe that surrounds me, or no? i doubt myself and that certainly narrows my options of what i can create, what i’m willing to try. and with persistence, anything is possible so it’s all about what’s worthy AND what i believe i am capable of.
confidence is immunity to rejection. never ever feeling rejected. that’s one advantage of the enlightened view – it’s a game and all me and it’s fun to play. the cycle of experimentation and creation is play. the process of creation is a series of experiments from which we can learn what works and what doesn’t work to achieve a fortunate result. failure is a word for what doesn’t work, but that’s not the end of the experiment unless we are bored by the process or the sought after outcome. if the outcome is important enough (fun enough) then we just try something new until the desired result is achieved. the scientific process is one such system for getting results. Experience (if applied) and inspiration can improve the strategy. so basically it’s about a) how valuable the result is b) believing we can achieve it. no matter how many fortunate results we achieve, we’ve got to feel excited about the process. being satisfied with a situation means that there’s no reason to change. it’s love of play that keeps us in the game, but there are plenty of times where playing the game is not appealing. and that’s another option for when we find out is a game, to decide that to play only a game is unworthy and to look for something more meaningful. the nature of being god. could being god be so boring that games are needed? isn’t being divine the ultimate? why tangle everything up in duality and play red vs blue? divinity is creation, that’s why. god is a child that likes to play and make things. duality is a pretty good sandbox. so creating is a divine practice, but creating to what end? that’s the thing – how can we judge the oppressor if they are just offering to play with me. They might be creating something which maims and injures others, but they think they are close to the divine by creating. they are creating selfishly but why not – they are just embodying the divine principle in a way that seems to make sense to them. occlusion happens in layers, black vs white both are death, both are life depending on your cultural perspective. black is beautiful. white light. water, sun. what team am i playing for? from one perspective, the good guys, from another the bad guys. if i say i am for the earth, for wilderness and awakening, then i am opposed to the sleepers, the city builders and manufacturers. i like cities and products and for heavens sake i am a sleeper, so i am against myself. to choose a side is to be against one’s self, at least for a short time. but i can never be against my true self, for i am all sides and none. i don’t hate my nephew who shoots me in nexius, because i love shooting him. ah, so clear. i love playing against the ones i love. let them put on masks and scary faces, shout mean words at me. it’s all play. let us play with enthusiasm or quit the game. is there something worthwhile outside the game? that’s worth asking. we can only conjecture about what’s outside the game. however what’s for dinner is GAME GAME and more GAME. theater. story.
and jesus said, love thy enemy. it’s a misdirection – it’s not about letting your enemies kill you, torture you etc, it’s about engaging them vigoriously while keeping in mind that they are your best friend in disguise who have decided to play with you. where is she, my dear enemy? lauren was this, an enemy i could love. maybe i should be dating more enemies. scary! sexy!
relax and win.
ok quick story idea. love story between combatants, between warriors. can a woman match a man as a warrior? our culture would have a hard time buying this, but a woman’s tactics would be different from a man’s. imagine the war between two and the passion and tenderness thus inspired. to try to kill that which i love, which is my life – how would that play out? it’s an old story, to fight oneself. and flash frames of battling oneself