script for saint
1 introduction – the warrior awakens
1.1 illness and decline
1.2 where i ask the question… who is trying to kill us?
1.2.1 us is the freaks. if they are trying to kill me, i must be a threat to them. so then what am i that i am such a threat. i certainly don’t support the dominant culture’s approach
1.3 i had never had much sympathy for the clinically depressed, until in my late 30’s i experienced it first hand. thus is born compassion, certainly a saintly virtue. to me depression feels like dying, a decidedly unpleasant decline of vitality. Not the exhilarating (and to me quite familiar) near miss almost death that reminds us how lucky we are to be alive. to be depressed is to die slowly without honor, crushed, having accomplished nothing, alone and forgotten. at the very lowest moment, i was whittled down to two emotions, my essence I suppose, anger and curiosity. anger at the absolute waste of a perfectly good life, at all the lives snuffed and smothered like this, a smouldering anger that forces this unit to continue. Tapping into the primal reserve, the fierce and compelling command to survive. There is curiosity too, tinted with a divine humor. at the last ebb of energy, far beyond agendas, broken dreams and petty conceits, arises a question with power enough to stir the flattened imagination – i wonder what will happen next?
from these two fundamentals the warrior awakens and low, the adventure continues.
1.4 quote from art of war about the best kind of attack
1.5 scenes from the cathartic hike, dancing at the opening
2 chapter – trip to North Manitou
2.1 searching for the sacred, all the troubles taken away by the goddess, purification
2.2 for our hero attraction means danger attraction is muy peligroso
2.3 two fisted relationship trauma
2.4 there’s got to be something better than falling in love with death
2.4.1 yes i am (all the truly interesting people are) contradictory. it’s the yin and yang thing within, and how do we know what WE are? well that’s it exactly we are a WE, a bundle of personality fragments and juxtaposed desires and contradictions. That’s why master ru reminds us of the middle path, it’s balance, brother. two feet and you need both to walk. ah, so metaphors is it? en garde!
2.5 why did i go?
2.5.1 when things are not right, it’s time to hook up with the source. for dan kelly, the source is wild places, wilderness. lost i become out in the world of men, especially after two really intense relationships in a row, what have we got? we’ve got a despondent dan. analysis can only go so far. what we are needing is a taste of the goddess, to kiss her pussy and slide my tongue way up inside. that’s called revitilization, the oshas (sp) that refresh. north manitou is the place i fucked a mossy log in a drizzle, it’s getting down to what is, right now. am i a hungry, am i cold? meanwhile, her love seeps right up out of the ground into my bones. and i go on.
2.5.2 to think – all the world was once as she is, all the world was a sacred place. could be again, if i could find the lizards in their lair. if i could find the right fight i’d fight it fierce with a great big smile on my face. if i knew where those suckers were, i’d take ’em out. give me a clear objective and a strong sword. mmm, hmm. life is good.
2.5.3 so in the meantime i train, i prepare for the day i get to go, for the la
2.5.4 i had better get some income, else i will be reluctant to invite any girl into my bed – to sustain life and be self responsible
2.6 the night walk discovers a wider sense. hints of unsuspected powers (later master ru says, listen)
2.7 catching the color of leaves, the colors we are seeing cannot be photographed because they are not a visible light phenomena, it is the signature of life itself.
2.8 i am naked on the beach
2.9 shadows in the water, transience
2.10 barn at night
2.11 aurora borealis and stars
2.12 the troll’s forest
2.13 digging up the outhouse
3 random conceptual stuff
3.1 so today i talked to the psychologist and asked her if the game was an indication of psychosis. can a person fly. what do comic books and the movie unbreakable have to do with me? what would a real honest to goodness superhero look like? are there living breathing saints, or do they just in books like the gita and bible. if saints and superheros aren’t real, then what are they pointing to, what’s their point
3.2 if they are real, the am i one? how would i know? what if i was one and forgot, but started to remember? what would that feel like? how do I tell that story?
3.3 it’s everyone’s story
3.4 we go to the island, and thus begins an epic story, catching it in mid breath, doing beautiful montage flashbacks, that rythmically back us up, the way it feels in life to remember. this scent, that fragment of music, or snippet of conversation… perhaps a chain of recollection like sifting through a vast visual database skimming
4 chapter – activism
4.1 getting arrested by the cops
4.2 what does heisenberg say?
5 chapter – everythingism in Brooklyn, (now)
6 chapter – love and rapport – the sacred hunger
6.1 Barbara Jo Steel
6.2 it’s a montage of faces and moments, love continues
6.3 the lauren movie
6.4 the pain of being fully alive
6.5 women in my life
6.6 the girl friend song, everything i do i do to get laid
6.7 something from shakti relationships as mirrors and the end of sex
7 chapter – water
8 chapter – what i learned growing up
8.2 young friends
8.3 pound ridge
8.4 the influence of the brothers
8.5 catholic school
8.6 high school in new canaan
8.7 europe vs college, the wrong choice
9 chapter – welcome to NYC – 1984
9.1 explorations in reality
9.2 living huxley’s vision
9.3 reagan and historical context – montage
9.4 pictures of the boys at 1st and 5th, stevious koza
10 chapter – refuge and santuary, first winter in michigan
11 chapter – film students in Bridgeport
11.2 barbara steel
12 chapter – mark boccuzzi 1962 – 1999
13 chapter – trash video
14 chapter – pound ridge (trees and streams and granite caves)
15 chapter – new canaan (clique’s and conformity)
16 chapter – growing up white upper middle class
17 chapter – birth and events prior – the family tree
18 chapter – any story from my life that illustrates a crucial lesson / point
18.1 that which i do is my
18.2 all my life i’ve been moving into my unique capability, becoming who i am. the things that i’ve done through my life may not seem sometimes so significant or noteworthy, but i assure you they were critical formation events which made me. Everything i’ve done is interesting taken in this context, as training for a saint. so we certainly have had a life with some stories..
19 chapter – growing old
20.1 spaulding gray personal monologs