Script Maul and Saw

DOG inspired prequels about north western lower michigan and the influx of wealth that overwhelms the local aesthetic.

THE SURGEON

SURGEON

(enters room), Hello I'm Doctor Smeagal. (standing, staring at tablet) I see you've been referred to our surgical center by the renowned gender consultant in Traverse City, Chaga Trillium Trout. How can I help you?

LADY

My baby (hands bundled infant to SURGEON

SURGEON

(holding baby awkwardly while looking at tablet. Screen shot of app, My Professional Opinion.) Uh, hmm. My professional opinion is that surgical intervention is contraindicated due to early developmental presentation.

LADY

He wants to be a boy.

SURGEON

(peeking under wraps at baby's crotch, image of baseball bat against white folded fabric. Checks tablet.) In my professional opinion, he is a boy.

LADY

He wants to be a real boy

SURGEON

(peaking at head, image of pinnochio or scary ventriloquist doll.) Ah I see, he's made of wood.

LADY

He was hand carved by the indigenous people of Norway out of sustainably harvested Blue Spruce, I special ordered him because my comfort dog was accidentally uplifted and is now studying quantum gravity at Stanford, I should have been proud I guess but I felt sad. So instead of another dog that might become smart I got a boy instead and now he wants to be real. Can you help him?

SURGEON

Do you think he trusts the science?

LADY

He wants to have all the recommended therapies, but he can't because of the, he's, what you said... wood. That's probably why he wants to be real, I don't know. I don't know! (bursts into tears)

SURGEON

(Without affect, as if tape recorded) There, there. (puts pad down, opens amazon-ish smile box with free arm). Our office just received state of the art AI assisted tools. (takes magic wand out of box).

LADY

(rummaging through purse) Is it expensive? I have bitcoin... somewhere.

SURGEON

Our billing department is always ready to help, (sincerely, smiles) my only concern right now is you and your... boy. (checks tablet, picture of something expensive with amount needed for purchase, 1 BTC)

LADY

Thank you, I'm so grateful.

SURGEON

(hypnotically) Yes, yes you are. Very grateful. Very, very grateful.

LADY

I am very grateful.

SURGEON

(handing back bundle) There you are then. Now, be patient. The transformation to real boy could take a few years. Ok (checks wrist as if he's wearing a watch), a pleasure meeting you, thank you for your service.

LADY

You're welcome, (hynotically) very welcome.

SURGEON

I am very welcome.