process log 10-04-17
yesterday I was reading the brain that changes in the bathtub and realized found out I could retrain my optic nerv to see again, probably retrain my eyes iris to react appropriately to night. Then I thought about the entire surface of my body as receptor surface and all the tissues of my being being able to receive. I can not only repair my optic nerve or establish new circuits, I can realize a perceptivity that is unprecedented, at least in my life and even in the experience of most people, because they are living with and accepting an incomplete idea of what being human is. I want to express the essence of my insights, I want to state clearly and simply where the entry point is, if not put myself right on the very awareness itself? Can writing do that? I can do that with writing. put that way, of course. and it’s not about effort. it’s about inspiration, hilarity, awe. it’s about waking up with a hardon. that’s what it all can be, can feel like.
Last night, I explored this lovely contrast. what if everyone I know does experience me as a poser? They probably do, because I’ve settled for being a poser for decades of my life. I’ve talked a talk and tried but ultimately I’ve always discounted my worthiness, i’ve felt the frustration of holding myself back, of deciding not to allow everything I want, of not believing in my heart of hearts that what I really want is possible for me.
So it’s totally understandable to project that vibe coming from others. what I said in the first episode is really kind of prophetic. i’ve cast myself in the character of poser, of charlatan. i settled for being a fake, tho I dreamed of authenticity. I had the seed of true power there, I just ha no clue how to water it.
What’s different now? Now I am practicing just feeling good in my body, just feeling the natural radiance and warmth of my divinity which is the baseline of my being. Basically what I am. I am opening up to my fullness, opening and becoming, allowing. Feeling my body and how excellent it is to energize with the sparkle of the cosmos, and how it grows and grows the more ecstatic the invitation. Even writing these experiences is getting easier. The essential writing comes from a feeling, a rigth now sensation that guides the words. what I did before was try and feel them one step removed, a theoretical discourse, and once in a while the body would resonate like a bell, yes! Now tho, I live as physicality, the sensation of source in and as the body, the question that is my body, i recieve.
funny, I feel the need to write about this because maybe writing reinforces the awareness, or I might foget if I don’t write. but really, I write for the fascination of playing with the translation. I write because it’s a game I enjoy. others might catch a whiff, but when I’m truly honest I only care about having the experience, I am not writing primarily to tell others how to. I am enjoying this flow, this tricky puzzle. writing about the feeling is like attempting to make a smooth curve with legos. It’s not what legos are good at. you need a lot and to stand far back. to squint and pretend – sure that’s a smooth curve. or be very creative. and all that is a hint too.
I am podcast, I am blasting my awakening into the world. I don’t need to invite anyone to join, I can appreciate them, I can let them know I feel them and my words are about making the connection right then, time traveling. that’s the point of breaking the fourth wall, Do you know I can feel you all out there? You can feel me too, even if you’re listening to this long after I’m dead, I’m still here and we can still connect. if you close your eyes, (one advantage of audio over say a reading a book), you can feel me with you. and I am, eventhough I’m very far away and I might be having a bath or having sex, somehow you and I are connected. Close your eyes and feel being together. Isn’t that odd? Isn’t that hilarious? My recorded voice echoes in your ears somehow and we totally bridge time and space, all that limitation we’ve been told is how things are. if you hear me, you can feel me. what’s that all about? it’s important, that’s what. Things are other than what we’ve come to accept in the front of the 21st century. the sooner we get that, the better.
Of course, I’m talking to myself.
What I am doing here is activating super intelligence to finish this movie. that’s fabulous and a hoot. I’ve gotta be epic to finish this thing, I’ve setup a situation where divinity is the solution to the conundrum, the koan is solved by being god, period. I am the daughter of god. Tee shirt!
I really love not deciding about the ride based on who is on it with me. or how many. right now, this podcast is sliding out into the world based on how much fun *I* am having. That’s it. Period. Full stop. The objective is not to achieve listeners. To build an audience. To cultivate relationships. It’s to have a blast in this body with all the incredible opportunities and toys spread before me. Or to invent the opportunities and toys out of nothing. pure making and delight. of course I’ll have 10,000 listeners, 100,000 thousand. who gives a flying fuck? it’s about me learning to have more and more fun, and slip by anything that feels like being stuck, to dance free. To feel 100k people listening and grooving and nodding saying, omg, yes. That’s what I’ve been saying. and so the movie comes out too, and I’ll have an audience, but the me in their lives will make the movie sing. That’s the part Richard gets, I think. The movie too will stand on her own, she has her own life, partly because I’ll be shining through her, just like I shine in these podcasts.
today, I totally want shine recording today, I want to be in my shine!