Process Log 05-30-15

I’ve been in chronic pain, not starting in my back, hell no. I’ve been in chronic pain since I was a lad, asking girls to be mean to me, triggering their insecurities so they could act in ways that didn’t serve them – just so I could feel angry. My chronic pain is my anger, that’s the origin. That’s why I can’t reach my goals, gain muscle, enjoy a consistent hard on, wake up happy. I am in chronic pain and have been for years, taking on the golden human is not just for my back, my hard on, my ability to have a normal easy clean shit, it’s the quest to loose my anger, to let it go, to release my need to have others be my puppets and hurt me against their will. Sure people will behave badly, but how many good friends have I asked to hate me? How many women have I manipulated into rejecting me? Poor Louise, I’ve been walking around toxic and exposing her to this. Do I even really love her or was I creating that so to have the bigger anger payoff now.

Anger doesn’t have to be habitual. We need a list of useful behaviors when it shows up and we need to get at the core of my anger, find out where it lives and why. End of anger starts today! This is the great and epic quest, I’m guessing the rest of my goals will easily fall into place once this is handled.