04-24-08

core / life master / 2008 / april / 4/24/08 (04/24/08)
burning out, motivation

here are some notes from the past few days.

– so i can’t pretend anymore, i’ve got a motivation focus problem. I can’t seem to bring the movie on to the front burner, make it the number one priority. i just keep on doing stuff that would be appropriate for break times on a seriously intense work schedule, but there’s no work in between the breaks. there’s a little work but no real progress. so i can’t deny the facts anymore, I’ve got to acknowledge that we’ve hit an impasse and are stuck.

– i got two catalytic insights frm the radio today, one is to simply monitor the breathing and second is the me vs we, that crazy behavior is basically the loss of me, i don’t know what me is anymore. i have these icons that i (used to) point to but none of them feel legit because i’m not practicing them, or at least not practicing them on a level that I would judge to be adequate. the city has tested me and basically wiped out my identity. the things I used to think i was good don’t count here, or else I am just a small fish in the greater scheme of yoga dudes or martial artists or painters or filmmakers. i know i am much more, but i am also not willing to give myself the scroll with the calligraphy that says – this certifies that the bearer is a really and truly so and so – yogi, artist etc. and so forth. so i can’t give myself anything, and the movie is like the breakthrough. once that’s done it’s a new era. it’s uncharted territory, but even after it’s done it won’t be enough, it won’t get accepted to every festival I apply to, it won’t be a big smash, it won’t be even close to what i feel i can do, so what will change? nothing will change and so why finish it. it’s both futile and too much transformation. at the end of this is another dan kelly, one i know nothing about, or one who won’t be any different than the one struggling to finish.and so i am stuck, frozen, turned to stone.

– well that’s really getting to be a drag, the enertia of the past, the gravity well that is or was my identity. on the base of it i’ve always envisioned myself as the also ran, the guy who doesn’t get the girl he really wants, who settles for the girl who’s interested. i want the girl who isn’t interested to be interested, that’s the impossible dream, the inappropriate desire that determines whether i can call myself successful or no. and what is my identity? the old identity was – i am because i create. work work work because I have vision trying to beam out of my being, now and here it’s like, oh beam where art thou? beaming feels like such a damn futile thing, no matter how i beam i’ll remain obscure. perhaps it’s society’s fault for promoting mediocrity, perhaps it’s my fault for not really being that amazing. it’s my own conceit that makes me think i’ve got something special, the evidence is not forthcoming. and is this project going to disprove 44 years of wheel spinning? can the future truly not equal the past?

what i think would be good to do with the rest of today is…

– explore sounds, practice all the categories we need so we can indeed do a late nighter recording

– √ practice with the camera

– √ find a set pin for the tripod

– √ write and research on the brain. it’s 11:00 now, i think i’ll write a bit.

— so we’ve had this sort of block, whether it’s procrastination or something more subtle, yesterday i listened to a me and we thing by armond that seemed to make sense. where is my me? who am i? this is the age old question and we are waiting to talk to our friends until after we finish this movie. indeed. that who am i made me think of chris carden.

— so who am i? do i define myself by the things i do, the things i think, that which i experience? is it an intellectual definition, a bio robot or a spiritual definition – a spark of the divine. none of that really means much. i am what i am interested in, i am what i experience – and that includes what i think about, what i choose to do. i can’t always control what i think about tho. in fact, i don’t control myself really. i just am. it’s about putting myself in the path of interesting experience, of fun and opportunity. i am an experiencer, and i have some influence over that which i experience.

— i want to be equipped for experience and put myself in the path of joy and insight. also facilitating share that joy and insight with worthy companions who get it.if i define myself by the experience i have, then it’s really all about the experiences i have, what sort of experiences do i expect to have soon. one of the possibilities is the completion of this movie a) the experience of finishing my decent project and b) the experience of putting my decent project out into the world. those are two experiences i have chosen to have. and so who am i? i am that which i experience. i want to experience living in a balanced sustainable and just world.

— this is all interesting stuff, what i do is what i am. the old way is a cart before the horse thing, it’s not helpful to set myself equal to some category and then try and define that category, what is a filmmaker or what is an artist? or i am trying to be a filmmaker or an artist, how will we know if we ever get there? and who cares, what does that sort of categorization really achieve? rather, i am that which i experience, I make some experiences more likely than others and tinker with them to see if there’s more juice to be had. i select and design and have experience. that’s my belief about identity – I am what I experience. the game is to choose consciously, design artfully and experience deeply. the more deeply i experience, the more life i have, the stronger my identity becomes.

— that works for me